True Statements

Posted on May 12, 2009 at 3:03 PM in Blogging, Family, Parenting

Shiloh is fun and sweet. Livia is fun and sweet. Baby birds and springtime are fun and sweet.

But Shiloh also requires extra work on our parts.

Mostly he requires extra work because Livia isn’t handling the new addition quite so well. Our sensitive kid, while fun and sweet, has been a pistol of naughtiness recently.

I’m freaking wiped out by her bad behavior.

I post pics and brief descriptions because I like the subject matter, but life isn’t always fun and sweet. Sometimes life is stressful and ugly.

My world doesn’t look the way I want it to. I never planned on having my child turn five without having a brother or sister to share life with. I never figured Jeremy and I would have just one child. And when people ask if I have other kids, my mind flits to the baby I lost over two years ago before I say in a fake cheerful voice, “Nope, she’s our only one!”

Many beloved friends are pregnant right now. It’s an incredible challenge for me to express excitement for them while still grieving the fact that I’m not pregnant. I’ve realized it’s okay to both hope and mourn at the same time, yet it’s hard to do both in a practical sense.

I’m not always sad about infertility. And I’m not always hopeless. But today I’m feeling the sadness while I wonder about the future. Will I be pregnant again some time soon? Will we adopt more children? Only my sovereign God knows.

(Quick, someone post of a picture of something fun and sweet.)

11 Comments

  1. Joanna May 12, 2009 3:39 PM

    Infertility is so incredibly hard. *hugs*

  2. Andy May 12, 2009 4:00 PM

    Thanks for writing RT.

  3. Renae May 12, 2009 4:02 PM

    Thank you for the honesty in this post. I hurt for you too, friend.

  4. charity May 12, 2009 6:20 PM

    A friend recently said that grief sometimes means courage. It rings so true.

  5. Jen May 13, 2009 8:13 AM

    Ouch. My heart hurts. I continually lift you up in prayer.

  6. Aubrey May 13, 2009 8:45 AM

    Praying for you today – I’m so sorry it’s been a bad day.

  7. Aubrey May 13, 2009 8:47 AM

    Or rather long, disappointing months that seem to stretch on. I hate that you are hurting like this. I always think that infertility isn’t something I could even wish my worst enemy, and so seeing other wonderful women I know struggle with it is awful.

  8. Liz May 13, 2009 9:17 AM

    I just stumbled onto your blog today. This was such a heartfelt post. I dont have children, but my mom struggled through infertility and a miscarriage. May God bless you.

  9. Jamie May 13, 2009 11:33 PM

    i’ve always hoped and prayed along with you that God would give you more babies — hoping that meant pregnancy, but not knowing! thanks for your honesty, and i don’t know how to say it, but i appreciate you taking up the challenge to be excited about other ppls babies, no easy thing to do. :)

    i’ve been thinking about this passage recently: “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death — even death on a cross!” — this obedience looks different for all of us, but is always such a challenge for our human hearts.

  10. Meg May 14, 2009 7:39 AM

    Days where everything is a chore and nothing can seem to lift you out of a funk are the hardest. Sending extra prayers your way.

  11. Joc May 14, 2009 11:39 AM

    I completely get it. Hope and Grief all wrapped into one.

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