The length of our days has increased lately. Somehow the hours between 8am and 8pm have lengthened and by the time we put Livia to bed at night, I feel like I’ve run a few marathons. I’m thinking this strange phenomena has something to do with summer vacation, extended daylight hours, and a four year old who prefers Mommy as her constant playmate. These marathon days have stretched me—sometimes I have stepped up to the challenge (thinking, only 45 minutes until bedtime!) and sometimes I have collapsed under the weight of feeling like a director of activities on a cruise ship. Last Friday was a day of collapse where I woke up feeling overwhelmed before the day even began. I cried on the phone to Renae, then called my favorite pinch hitter, my mom, who came to my rescue. After sleeping three and a half hours and feeling like I had hit rock bottom, life got easier. I needed to step back from the swirling emotions that overwhelmed me to realize that a few changes needed to be made, both with my expectations of myself and of my days with Livia. Superwoman, or even competitive marathon runner, I am not.
I’d like to write a tidy blog post on how I’ve learned to balance my days, how I’ve realized the value of community and of asking for help, how I’ve finally learned that God gives grace when I need it. But I’d be exaggerating a happy ending for the sake of a writing exercise. I still feel a huge need to balance the dishes and the laundry, my child’s academic future and her need for boundaries, my work with Redeemer and my evenings with my husband… In fact, while thinking of all I need to do, I get a tightness in my chest. But somehow rational thoughts must overcome the ever-present to-do list. Life is more than finding a balance. It has less to do with checking items off a list and more to do with glorifying God in each moment. So as I sit and write, ignoring the junk pile to my right that demands organization, I’ll seek to find joy amidst the mess. I’ll try to walk the marathon(s) today and not try to figure out how to make it through tomorrow’s race quite yet.
At the same time, I’ll continue to look forward to preschool this fall, shorter days, and, if God sees fit, a sibling and playmate for Livia.
Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things [food, clothing, etc] will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:33-34
This is my favorite shot from the Sunken Gardens. I love the contrast of Liv’s modern flip flop against the ancient looking stone bench. Her little foot in this photo, complete with patriotic toenails by Mrs. Wittmann, will always remind me of the summer when she was four.
I took a lot of photos at the Sunken Gardens, so I’ll continue to plug away at posting them. Our trip to the garden rounded out Flower Week and conveniently tucked into Bug Week. Speaking of bugs, one made his pictorial debut in this shot.
Aside from this brief moment of blogging, I’ve spent the entire evening reading Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali. Fascinating reading—my mind is bursting at the seams. I’m sure to have a few nightmares tonight, but in the waking moments between them I’ll try to remind myself of how grateful I am to live in the United States of America. Between watching HBO’s John Adams just prior to the Fourth of the July and reading this novel, I am finding that terms like liberty and equality mean much more than the lighthearted, cliched definitions I’ve ascribed to them over the years.
Here’s another shot from last week’s visit to the Sunken Gardens.
Today has been a long, frustrated parenting kind of day.
I’m pooped out.
That’s all for now.
I just deleted the paragraph that preceded my book lists. Ugh. Don’t you hate it when you have to re-think, re-type, re-edit the same exact post?
I started out 2008 with the goal of reading three books per month, then sharing my reading list with the blogging world. (Though now I’m questioning the sanity of such a decision, particularly after reading McMurtry’s latest novel which was overtly sexual and not worthy of recommendation. Oh for the days of Lonesome Dove, one of my favorite books of all time.) The last time I posted was also the first time I posted: back on February 1st.
In the interest of following through on this project, here’s what I’ve been reading for the last few months. I’m including my GoodReads ratings here (5 is the highest score attainable) in lieu of writing summaries for books I read some time ago.
February
Atonement by Ian McEwen (4)
A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin (3)
A Clash of Kings by George R.R. Martin (3)
March
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (5)
A Storm of Swords by George R.R. Martin (3)
A Feast for Crows by George R.R. Martin (2)
April
The Worst Hard Time by Timothy Egan (4)
The Boleyn Inheritance by Philippa Gregory (3)
May
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen (4)
June
When the Light Goes by Larry McMurtry (1)
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer (3)
New Moon by Stephenie Meyer (2)
While we wait and pray for an addition to our family, Liv takes full advantage of playing big sister to her cousin and baby neighbor. We loved having Madeleine around all last week. It was fun to see the girls play together and encourage one another; they also squabbled like siblings if one accidentally, or purposefully, touched another. Simon, or Bugaboo as Liv calls him, has become a big baby now. His days in the NICU seem almost like a dream that never really occurred.
There’s an oddness in blogging that comes from the ability of the author to pick and choose among blog topics. Should I write about the one thing my husband said last night? No, no. That wouldn’t be good for my marriage. Should I type up the numerous fart/poop/burp anecdotes my child finds hilarious? No, everyone would realize how gross we truly are. How about a few compositions about how selfish I am day in and day out? Nah, I’m not in a mood for public confession.
The struggle with blogging is what do I tell? And am I even telling the tale accurately? Is anyone out there getting a realistic picture of me and my family? Or am I spinning stories that intentionally make me look like someone I’m not?
I don’t try to think too much about all those questions. When I do, I quit blogging because it feels so overwhelming. One thing I would like everyone to know is that I’m a mess of a person, just like everyone else. Though I try to keep my postings positive for the most part (because, really, who wants to read lots of negative moping?), I feel like my blog doesn’t represent me to the fullest capacity. But don’t hold your breath for full representation. If I ever choose to release my life’s stories, it’ll be in a memoir one day before I die.
Happy Monday, y’all. Delight in something beautiful today.
Today around 2:30pm I asked Jeremy if he could remember what we were doing four years ago, almost to the minute. He paused for a second, then yelled, “OH YEAH!” and took a flying leap to tickle-wrestle his favorite four year old on the couch.
Four years ago we walked into a split-level home in Kansas and became parents. We took in our arms a tiny baby girl, who felt quite foreign to us in that moment, and became forever attached to the family who birthed her and cherished her for the previous seven weeks. That afternoon we drove away feeling more rich, more blessed, and to be honest, more terrified than ever.
Happy Livia Day to Miss Livia Raine! We love you and are proud of you, our sweet girl.
Liv’s VBS photo
