I love my bed with deep deep devotion. I am a girl who adores sleeping, who considers it highly offensive to be told, “Get up! You’ve gotten enough sleep already!” [thus saith Mom, early high school years]. All Lawton kids seemed to go through the same stage during our teen years… we slept. And slept. And slept as if sleep could somehow ease our bodies through that transition from adolescence to adulthood. I think of various sheets and blankets with great fondness as they have contributed to peaceful, comfortable sleep situations in my life (the latest of which is my delicious down comforter and cream-colored duvet cover).
It is with great disgust that I have not slept well in at least two weeks. It is with much dismay that I find myself surfing, blogging!!, in the wee hours of the morn. ARGH! My formerly delightful bed has turned into an object of great discomfort and I cannot stand to spend more than a few hours at a time in it (sob!). This sleep-interruption is perhaps the worst symptom of my current arthritic state. Give me the aches, the limping, the endless pain medications and almost constant emotional frustration, but mess with my sleep? Eeeeeevil. So very wrong.
It is now 5:00am at the CNN Headquarters. Apparently today is the 5th anniversary of the Columbine shootings — so very sad. Everyone’s talking about Bob Woodward’s new book and the defensive position the Bush Administration is in and how Bush and Kerry are faring in the latest polls. Yesterday’s 3:00am CNN coverage of TIME’s 100 Most Influential People was much more interesting than this… Oooh. Drowsiness is setting in. Muscles have relaxed a bit. It’s time for Night Rest, take 2. Goodnight, sweet blogging world. May God bless you with 7-8 uninterrupted hours of sleep.
I’ve wanted to see Pieces of April for quite some time now… The trailer looked good — Katie Holmes in very un-Joey dress, her black boyfriend, Patricia Clarkson as the mom — and then the movie brought Clarkson accolades this past year (she was nominated for some award, I believe). Friday night, the film was all I wanted it to be and more. So so good and very real, in that movie kind of way… Every time April had issues with meal prep, I recalled the same problems in my own kitchen experience: slimy poultry, broken oven, dull peeler, unmashable potatoes, on and on. Then you’ve got the family’s drive to NYC in their station wagon — ours was a Pontiac Lemans growing up — that somehow exemplified Everyfamily even as they struggled with both physical and relational dysfunction. And the end, oh the end! Heartache and sadness, poignancy and unity. Redemption. Something about the end just punched us in the gut and we were in tears. Good stuff. Good movie.
Jeremy and I got sucked into “Alias” sometime in Season 1 and we’ve faithfully stayed with it, even though it’s somewhat diminished in quality recently. But tonight reminded me why I like the show… Good spy girl in love with hot CIA agent (currently married to EVIL traitor lady), fights for Passenger-sister she recently discovered, two steps forward and one step back in relating to spy-daddy, utilizing funny Marshall’s geeky genius expertise, killing bad guys and retrieving Rambaldi devices. Ah, all in a day’s work! Syd is a girl who deserves a glass of wine at the end of the day. One more thing… Channel 8, if you ever again cut out at the LAST MINUTE of a very suspenseful television program I’m enjoying to give me unnecessary storm information, I will begin watching 10-11 News for good.
It’s very strange to recognize that your life is changing before your eyes. My life is changing… in a very undesired, uncomfortable, challenging manner… and there’s not much I can do about it. I’m in this period of waiting where I have very few answers, lots of questions and even more bizzare symptoms. The worst thing, in all this struggle, is to see the pain and the hidden grief in my parents’ eyes. They hate this as much as I do, perhaps more. I can only imagine what it’s like to give birth to a child, raise her the best you can, and then see her hit with two autoimmune disorders. Good grief — as if the diabetes isn’t enough for one person to manage — arthritis too?
I go see my rheumatologist next Tuesday and I pray that he has lots of wisdom to offer my situation. I’m just so tired of this… tired of the pain, tired of limping around on sore feet and painful knees, tired of not being able to sleep well, tired of pricked fingers that don’t heal right, tired of feeling discouraged each day.
Life is changing and I’m along for the ride. But praise the Lord, others are along for the ride as well and I am far from alone in this. My parents, already mentioned, have been incredibly supportive and generous. I know they would trade places with me in a heartbeat if they could. The compassion and support given to me by my office has been a huge blessing as well… Twice this week I’ve gotten teary over their kindnesses. And my husband… I don’t even know where to begin regarding his love and care for me. Actually, I won’t record it here — it’s one of those things too precious to share with the world, rather I’ll keep it to myself. God has blessed me AMAZINGLY by partnering me with this man over five years ago.
I find it somewhat therapeutic to write this for my blog. No doubt the content is awkward for some to read, but oh well! It’s my life and my space on the web. So there! ; )
I really wanted to write something on my blog tonight. But the TV Factor chewed up and spit out every creative idea I owned. Several lists were begun… This Girl’s Favorite Things, Things I Want to Own… But Don’t, Lifelong Goals. All for nothing. The Miss USA Pageant is on and I refuse to turn it off. One one hand we have creative writing, on the other? Pageantry. I probably watched pageants before I could write, so it’s a no-brainer which one wins this contest. The odd thing is that I can’t get creative while my television set is on! Music stimulates me. Reading makes me want to both read and write more. Even doing the dishes or laundry generates new thoughts, some that end up on the blog. But TV? Nope. It sucks up my brains and leaves me mindless, a quintessential couch potato. Some agency (APA?) recommends that children under 2 watch no television whatsoever as it can negatively affect their development (take that babysitters and parents!). Maybe that recommendation applies to people over 2 as well.
For now, I’ll post this lame commentary and head back to the pageant. Miss Missouri is from Florissant. Three years in St. Louis demand I root for her.
On Friday night, under a cloudy sky, I limped on my husband’s arm the half block to our church’s Tenebrae Service. The service is focused on the last hours of Christ’s life; music, scripture and lighting are interwoven to allow reflection on this, the day Christ died. You leave the worship hall in complete darkness and silence — the foyer lights are almost blinding in comparison and the usual chatty, friendly conversation is stifled and voices hushed.
Outside the gray clouds opened up and we tripped along home where I spent ten minutes sobbing out the emotional pain of the death of my man-God and the physical pain of my swollen, disjointed feet. These feelings had been brewing all day and their release was the key to an enjoyable evening. Though I’d love to claim that my sorrow was greater for the burdens Christ bore on the cross, I know the truth is that I felt more sorry for myself. And there’s the reality I live in daily… I need the cross desperately.
But the cross by itself is just an instrument of torturous death employed by the Romans. It means nothing without the resurrection of Jesus…
Today that beautiful, life-giving, joyous resurrection was celebrated. All morning long the resurrection greeting echoed through my ears: He is risen! He is risen indeed! We have a Savior who, by his own death and resurrection, has defeated the last enemy, Death, and provides a way for the rest of us to spend eternity with him. If you’ve got everything then you don’t need this Savior, but I can testify that I long for days of dancing on golden streets with a new healthy body, free from my immune system that for some unknown reason is methodically attacking itself. Heaven beckons to me, reminds me that though my Grandma is in ashes in a grave, she will again be whole and reunited with me one day. Then the pains and sufferings of this world will be gone and there will only be absolute and complete joy in the presence of our Almighty God.
Because of Good Friday, because of the resurrection, I can anticipate tomorrow.
Ouch. Pass the hard liquor, a sharp kitchen knife and a huge amount of gratitude for living in an area of the world where good healthcare is readily available.
Ha! at my coworker singing silly songs with corresponding sign language this afternoon. Double ha! when I joined with with her, with both singing AND signing, on the last tune. (And triple ha! at the look and tears in Karen’s eyes at the absurdity of the Zion Church office workers.)
Ah. All afternoon on my front porch in the lovely weather. Conversations with friends. Reinstallation of the wind chimes. Baseball players, children in the park, the ice cream truck. Nice.
This photo was taken at Fallfest, Zion Church’s annual gathering of fun and fellowship. Fallfest is a tradition that shouldn’t be messed with… Bonfire, complete with stories and singing, hot cider, hayrack rides, yummy food. I took lots of pictures at this event, but someone else managed to snag one of me and one of my favorite three year olds, Nathan. You can see Jeremy in the background with the other favorite three year old, Andrew. There is just something about these kids that persuades us to always be grabbing, kissing, blowing zerberts, hugging, wrestling, chasing them. They’re incredibly squeezeable! Surrounded by hordes of family, friends and brightly wrapped presents, the boys turned three on Saturday. Happy Birthday!
Methinks Scott Muschany will win this race over his competitor… If for no other reason than the sheer beauty of his website, created by my favorite web producer, Jeremy Tredway. [- The Proud Wife]
In all seriousness… Jeremy and I lived in St. Louis during one of the most bizarre, scattered election years in recent history — 2000. Not only was the presidential race very tight, and number-crunching went back and forth all night long, but local races were the same. Some of our favorite candidates (John Ashcroft included) lost their political positioning and others won. Voting booths in the city were left open later than originally planned, adding to the controversy of the day. All in all, there was quite a bit of excitement.
Thus, when Scott approached Jeremy regarding a website for his campaign for state representative, I could not have been more thrilled. Though we’re no longer in St. Louis, this race in particular will keep me interested in the region’s results on election day. Plus, I agree with the moral stances included in Scott’s platform and am always proud to support a politician who is truly concerned with loving God’s people. The Muschanys are an honorable, respectable family and I am certain Scott will be an excellent representative for the 87th congressional district. I hope to have more opportunities to be involved in the political arena in the future… This is a great start!
Life is filled with good and bad. The bad seems oftentimes to come out of left field, so to speak. We’re just walking along, minding our own business and WHAMMY! we get knocked to our butts. Bad. And then there’s the good. The sometimes unexpected, sometimes glorious, always uplifting good things. And there’s joy in the good.
There was a lot of good involved in last weekend, and a fair share of bad as well… The bad category must be reduced to generalities and must not be allowed much blog space as it is, well, bad, and my blog hates badness. Here goes: arthritis, relationship problems, cold weather, suppression of good, heartache, kidney stones and sorrow.
Good:
– God’s green earth… tulips and daffodils, weeding and removing winter’s leaves from the flower beds, sunshine, pansies, the opening of garden centers across the city
– Friends… who are back from Iraq and reunited with their families, who work with me every day and can enjoy a night of fun together, who love “Alias”, who have procreated very entertaining children, who live next door to me and are so wonderfully grand, who worship with me in spirit and in truth every Sunday morning, who are married to me (that should be “who IS married to me” as I am married to but one man)
– Games… Outburst, Catch Phrase and Mexican Train Dominoes (good for groups), and Settlers of Cattan (for 2-4 players)
Cling to what is good, hate what is evil. Today the sunshine reigns and happiness prevails. There is much to be thankful for in my life.
A love affair has begun. It exists between me and my Silk Vanilla Soy Milk — and nobody better get between us. I put money down in the checkout lane and take Silk home with me. Silk gives me faithful nourishment and satisfaction. It’s a 50/50 relationship. Morning, noon and night, Silk is there. Mmm, mmm good.