Saying, “I could never do that” appears to be a socially acceptable thing when one is confronted with foster care. This I have noticed.
God bless ya, folks. I know exactly what you are saying and thinking because I’ve been in your shoes, I’ve been on that side of the issue. But now I’m on the other side of the issue, on the foster parent side, and I want to say a few things.
You could do it.
No really. You could. You really really could.
Handing back a child—for the good of that child—is not an easy thing. In fact, it can be fairly heartbreaking. But I’ve never heard heartbreaking equated with a “can’t” statement except for in foster care. Except in the case where the foster family is actually looking out for the good of the child. You can’t do it? Really now? I think you might mean that you don’t want to do it. (Which is completely fine and normal and is a statement that I understand.)
I’ve never heard someone upon meeting a potential love interest say she “can’t” fall in love because she might get her heart broken. You don’t say that you “can’t” pick up a stray from the humane society because it might get hit by a car someday. You don’t say that you “can’t” make an offer on a house because something might go poorly at closing time. We chance disappointments quite often. This is LIFE after all! If you didn’t chance being disappointed you would never experience anything at all.
Here’s the thing. I didn’t want to give back the baby I fostered. The one whose diapers I had been changing since birth, the one who snuggled in my neck after her tummy was full, the one whose chubby legs I would slather in sweet baby shampoo and then again in lotion afterwards. Yep, I kinda liked her. Scratch that, I loved her! But I loved her with the knowledge that her good was more important than the impending heartbreak I saw on the horizon. Her good, not my happiness, was the angle there.
The truth is that we’ve only fostered once and that we are total newbies here. I’m admitting that I know nothing beyond what my classes, my foster parent friends and my one foster experience have taught me.
But if you think I’m doing it because I can easily hand off a child to another parent, you’ve got another thing coming. Though I imagine some kids, the really challenging ones, are easier to hand off, in our situation it wasn’t so easy. While we were reaching for the good of this baby, we were also feeling quite sad that we couldn’t keep her.
At the end of the day though, we could get over it because it’s not about us.
We’re all tougher than we think we are really. You can do it. Really really, you can.
10 Comments
Renae Jan 31, 2013 6:19 PM
Thanks for writing this, RT. Well said, and there is so much good to think about here.
And, oh, those toes!
Bryonie Jan 31, 2013 7:42 PM
Thanks, dear friend. So proud of you!
Rebecca Jan 31, 2013 8:20 PM
Important author’s note: If you do say or have ever said “I could never do that,” please don’t worry about it. I’ve said it. And I will never make a big deal if you say it. But I’ve been thinking about it and after processing it with Bryonie today (see above comment!), I felt like I had to write about it. Thanks for reading, friends.
Important photographer’s note: Those adorable tootsies belong to an adorable baby named Davy. I love you, Davy!
Uncle Adam Jan 31, 2013 8:25 PM
Well said, Becca. I can’t agree with you enough!
Tara Jan 31, 2013 8:55 PM
this was filled with much truth <3 and my heart broke again a little for you when i read the words "i loved her". such a beautiful picture of love and sacrifice and of not living in fear. xo!
Renae Jan 31, 2013 8:57 PM
Davy toes! That was my guess. :)
Katy W. Jan 31, 2013 10:34 PM
I think it takes a special kind of selflessness to be a foster parent. I am entirely too selfish. I know this about myself. Kudos to you, momma.
Jessica Jan 31, 2013 11:00 PM
Funny how God works, isn’t. It? I have been having the option of another child on my heart in our family for a while now. Just FYI, some state DFACS have an opportunity to help out children just for a night or two until details can be worked out. Just remember that you are these children’s angels! They are surrounded by love and that will stay with them throughout their lives no matter their lives or circumstances! :) Remember, God is love, and love heals!
Xiomara Keutgen Feb 1, 2013 2:40 PM
Wow! I needed to read this today. My husband and I were debating whether to foster or adopt because of what you just poured out on here. I will remember this. I have printed this and will share and discuss with husband tonight… thanks for sharing! God Bless!
Danielle L. Jan 9, 2017 6:11 PM
Great, wonderful, post! My husband and I have been foster parents since June 2016 and have had 22 children in our home. all different ages and stories. Each child brings a new heartbreak. But! I wouldn’t change it for anything. Also, even the really challenging kids are hard to give up. It is like watching a miracle when a pregnant, angry, vulgar 17 year old girl transforms in to a sweet child in a matter of days because she has been listened to and shown love and honesty. Keep going! I would love to read more.