The subject line of a recent email read, “Trusting God with Your Adopted Child,” and it struck me as a very true hope/desire for those of us who have gone through the adoption process. But the “trusting God” part applies to way more than the future of your adopted child. It applies to the future of your biological child, to the present and future bond of your marriage, to the hard conversations you need to have with your friends, to the health of your physical and emotional self, to the commitment of your community, to the daily grind in the workplace, to the future of your church, to the day-by-day sacrifice of self.
Trusting God is hard. H-A-R-D. There’s nothing at all easy about believing that God loves you and knows you intimately… and then choosing to put faith in Him. Parents who have adopted children struggle sometimes with the messy reality of broken families. What should I tell my child about her birthmother? What kind of relationship should I allow? Should I let her know she has half-siblings? So on and so forth. Trusting God through these questions means praying almost constantly for guidance and wisdom in these issues, and then that word again, trusting that He’ll walk you through each day and supply the answers as He sees fit.
Like I said before however, the trust issue comes forth in every aspect of life. Every single person I know struggles or has struggled with some intense issue. Brothers going off to war in Iraq, pressure and major conflict with coworkers and bosses, strained relationships with mothers and fathers, poor self image, trouble completing major projects, alcoholism, depression, death of a loved one, divorce. There is relief in the struggle in that you don’t have to go it alone. Trust in one greater than yourself, in the God who created you, knows you, loves you.
Psalm 56
3 When I am afraid,
I will trust in you.
4 In God, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
What can mortal man do to me?
2 Comments
Jacinda May 21, 2006 11:39 PM
My mom and dad are both adopted. I would think of it as a gift to know who is your daughter’s birthmother. Livia is your daughter and you will always be her mom.
My mom knows the identity of her biological mother, and my dad doesn’t. It’s been a struggle for him and an annoyance for me to not know exactly where our ancestral ties lie. But we don’t “need” that woman in our lives, just like my mom didn’t “need” her bio mom (she died in the early 70s of her alcoholism). My mom’s mom is the woman who raised her. Knowing my mother’s heritage is nice. Not knowing my dad’s is annoying, but it’s not like the end of the world or anything.
My mom has a very limited relationship (talk once every five years or so) with the one sister who shares the same mother and father as she, and talked to another half-sister once or twice years ago. It’s nice to know who they are and that they exist, but those siblings or half-siblings aren’t like brothers or sisters you grow up with. ALL of my brothers and sisters are half-siblings, but I’ve known them all along. And my family is very “broken,” but I love them all dearly.
I guess you just have to trust that as you are doing the best job raising Livia, she won’t have any “need” for anything more than a superficial relationship with any of those other people. You and your family and friends and church family provide her with everything she needs. I think it’s just being honest (with proper censure as age-appropriate of course) to share what you do know, if and when she wants to know about it.
I was about six when I finally asked my mom about my dad. So she told me his name and called his parents to find him, and I met him. But she didn’t say “he’s been out in California using tons of LSD since shortly after you were born.” I didn’t need to know that, and she didn’t tell me (if she knew).
I wish you the best in dealing with these important issues and know you’ll find the answers you need as the questions arise.
RT May 22, 2006 10:01 AM
Thanks, Jacinda. I’ve always been a fairly black and white kind of person… a planner by nature, so I sometimes think it’d be great to have all the answers ahead of time regarding what we should say and when we should say it. But you are so right about finding the answers as the questions arise. Adoption (and many other issues, including marriage, friendships and the health struggles I have) is a day-to-day thing… One day at a time. It’s a new lesson I’m learning. : )